50 reasons Why I Haven't Been Blogging
When I went to work for Palm, I knew that it was going to eat a lot of time and energy and I needed to focus on my work to make sure we all succeeded and delivered the best product we could.
Hmm. I need to upgrade my installation of WordPress. Be right back.
I was right. It did eat a lot of time and energy, and it was the right decision to not try to split my loyalties between my job and my not-job. I think we've done a pretty damn good job of delivering -- so far. There's still a lot to do.
Oops. Wordpress has eight plug-ins that need updating.
When I sat down with myself to start talking about the next phase of the blog design I wanted to implement, this voice in the back of my head started whispering to me "YOU IDIOT. HOW MANY TIMES IS GETTING THE WEIGHT OFF GOING TO BE THE NEXT PROJECT, ANYWAY?"
No, make that 11.
I had nothing to say. I know that shocks people who know me.
That voice in the back of my head was right, too. I realized it was time to either get serious about it, or give up and admit I was eating myself to death. It was actually a tougher decision than you might think -- but I got serious about my weight.
Once you stop for a while, it gets really easy to say "oh, it can wait until tomorrow".
Surprisingly enough -- many times, it can.
In the grand scheme of the internet, the Great Controversy of today is forgotten (in favor of the next Great Controversy of today), and it's really easy to convince yourself that it's not worth the energy to dig in and do research and try to discuss the Great Controversy intelligently.
Since the primary driver of my eating issues is stress, the primary solution to getting away from the eating issues is to remove stress from my life. The best way to do that was to remove all of the optional (read: "self-induced") stress about things like finding time to blog, meeting artificial deadlines on blog redesigns, adding stress over trying to set up a photography business and things that if they didn't happen NOW instead of LATER (or even EVER), only I would care.
Especially since "Intelligently" seems to be optional in many parts of the net...
Doctor Who
When my dad got sick and died, I knew I needed to be there to support mom and help her through the transition and get the estate settled. It started for me at Christmas, we buried him in June, and the estate work finally ended in October. That's basically an entire year that's a blur at best.
Torchwood
And afterward, I realized I was exhausted and miserable, because I'd played the tough guy and hadn't given myself time to grieve and transition. There's a reason I put on 30+ pounds in about 6 months and joined the 400 club.
Have I mentioned recently that sometimes I'm an idiot? Yeah, major revelation. Alert the media. Oh, wait. We are the media now. Or something like that.
Warehouse 13
Pop quiz: sit down and name the five most important things in your life.
Somewhere along the way, I decided all of my photography work was crap. crap crap crap crap. Ugly, unadulterated crap. I hated taking photographs.
About this point, if I were a baseball player, the color guy would be asking pointed questions about when I'd break out of the slump, and my manager would be checking with the GM about sending me to AAA.
My list of the top five most important things in my life: my wife, because without her I'd be dead today, and because of her I see the future as something to relish; my mom, bceause, well, she's my mom and I am what I am today in large part because she taught me to be me; my job, because I enjoy it, I think we're making a difference, and because it pays the bills and mortgage (and frankly, I think people who pretend that something that sucks up a third of their lives isn't important are fooling themselves); myself, because, well, if I'm not important to myself, why should I be important to anyone else? -- and finally, my potential -- which I believe I'm just finally starting to really understand and appreciate.
That could possibly be the most stupid thing a 50 year old person could say. And I stand behind if fully.
Battlestar Galactica. Stargate. Eureka.
Fable and Fable II
One of my "projects" was going through dad's things and trying to make sense of it all. He was that wonderful combination of a packrat and a person who never actually filed anything or described why he kept it. I found documents of his time in Europe working for Stars and Stripes during the airlift, and later publishing Overseas Weekly and tweaking the military authority in post WW II Germany. I also found phone books from the 70's and endless reams of blank paper -- and a few books of Green Stamps.
Sacred II
I kept finding myself pushing myself into his stuff, and emotionally not ready to actually deal with it. Eventually I figured it out and stopped. Pretty literally with piles where I left them around my office and where I'd originally started setting up a photo studio.
That kinda screwed up my plans to do photography in the studio. For some odd reason, boxes of "stuff" doesn't help studying flash and macro photography.
Not that I had the energy or will to try.
Top Chef.
I finally realized I needed a break. I needed to give myself permission to DO NOTHING. Just rest. Relax. Recharge the batteries.
Elder Scrolls.
Time to answer the pop quiz: did you lie to yourself about what was most important? No? Really? So why aren't you putting your time and energy into the things on that list? If the things you call your priorities aren't where you're setting your priorities -- well, that's a problem, no?
Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?
I don't do "do nothing" well. My life has always been about doing stuff, building stuff, being involved in stuff -- busy. By choice. So I had to teach myself.
John Scalzi
It was actually difficult at first -- not watching the tv AND writing emails. Not sitting at the desk AND being with Laurie (well, sort of, if sitting halfway across a room is "being with").
Terry Goodkind. Tad Williams. Charles de Lint. Jack Whyte.
You really didn't want to hear me whine and bitch about stuff in my life anyway, right? Yeah, I thought so.
The funny thing I learned was that nobody died, the world didn't end, people didn't throw stones or accuse me of ignoring my obligations -- doing nothing was actually OKAY. Wow. Who knew?
And by Doing Nothing, I ended up happier with myself, significantly less stressed, and I started enjoying life again.
And -- surprise (sort of) -- in the last year, I've lost 75 pounds. Since I started seriously working on it in April, 55. I still have a long way to go -- 75 pounds is a lot; I just have to do that twice more. The difference is stunning (but that's a different post) in how I view myself and how I enjoy life.
A couple of weeks ago, that voice in the back of my head started whispering "HEY, IDIOT. YOU GONNA SIT ON YOUR LAZY BUTT ALL EVENING? TIME TO GET BACK AT IT".
I ignored it for a while, but it was right. It was no longer a reason to Do Nothing, it was an excuse. I was feeling the itch to start writing, start posting -- start creating and contributing again.
By the way, my photography doesn't suck any more. I've been kind of ignoring it a lot because of work and my committment to Do Nothing. I'm really ready to start pushing myself to get better again.
There are still definitely challenges in my life. A new one cropped up this week that's going to take some attention, but I feel ready to handle it. And whatever challenges come along later.
I knew once I started blogging and writing again that I was committing myself to getting back in a rhythm, back on a schedule. I wanted to make sure I was ready, so I've spent a couple of weeks thinking through what to write about and making sure this was the right thing to do.
I am. I'm back. And I'm ready for the challenges that lie ahead.
